Creating Safe Space for Our Mate

I have a Relationship Quiz for you:

How do you typically respond under relational pressure? I’m not asking about when you feel cool, calm, and collected and you’re talking about how to spend your next vacation afternoon. I’m talking about when the pressure is on, when you feel stressed out and you’re talking about thorny topics.

Under pressure, when our amygdala is hijacked, when feel stressed, which of the following are you most likely to do:

a) Fight: attack, criticize, lecture, become argumentative;
b) Flight: leave the situation, back away;
c) Freeze: become tongue-tied, perhaps even dissociating from your feelings;
d) Flow: talk a situation out, sharing emotions and listening attentively to your mate and validating their feelings.

Quite obviously, (I hope!) there is really only one healthy option and what you do under relational pressure is critical. 

I watched Jennifer grow pale as her husband of three years—his second marriage—stonewalled her. Thirty-seven years old, vivacious and lively, she too had suffered from a broken marriage. She hoped this marriage would go better, but so far she has been bitterly disappointed.

“I want to believe that he won’t cheat on me like my ex-husband did, but I don’t know if I can trust him.”

Her husband Kevin, shrugged.

“I haven’t done anything wrong,” he muttered defensively. “She’s comparing me to her ex and I don’t deserve that.”

“But, you don’t tell me where you’re going or when you’ll be back,” Jennifer said. “How do I know exactly what you’re doing? After all…..” he voice trailed off.

“After all, what?” I asked.

“Oh, I don’t know,” she said, looking down.

“I really don’t know,” she said again. Jennifer looked very sad, but each time we had asked her during the Marriage Intensive if she was sad, she had denied it. She shared how her faith had helped her heal from the pain of her previous marriage, and disappointments in her current one.

Kevin was looking away as well. It seemed that both had learned how to fight, flee, or freeze, but had never learned the art of flow—the art of sharing feelings in a safe place, with someone who genuinely wants to know what you are feeling, and is willing to seek answers to problems together.

I noted her tendency to disappear before saying what she really wanted to say. I commented on how she seemed to withdraw into herself, only to come out fighting moments later. She lacked the ability, however, to share from her Core Self, where she was calm, clear, compassionate, and courageous.

“Kevin,” I asked, “do you encourage Jennifer to share her feelings? Do you encourage her to talk about what she needs and wants from this marriage? Do you know why she is so distrusting?”

“I have some ideas,” he said haltingly. “But, I don’t know for sure. We usually fight or withdraw from each other. We don’t often talk like we’re talking here.”

“I didn’t think so,” I said. “But, talking about your feelings and what you need from each other is the only way to real connection. How about if we practice that? I’d like to teach you more about flow.”
   
First, flow can only occur when there is trust between people.

Trust occurs when we are confident our mate has our best interests at heart. We know our mate will work to create an environment where we want to share our thoughts and feelings.

Second, we create space for feelings that have been neglected.

Men (and women!) create a Protective Self to help keep hidden feelings hidden. Many have been told to not cry or feel sad. Many have been abandoned and neglected, and have never known true nurturing. They don’t know how to ask for, or receive, true love.

Third, we assist our mate in giving voice to those feelings.

We want to tell our story. We want someone to care. Men are especially hungry for affirmation and acceptance. They seek to anesthetize their pain with drugs, alcohol, sex, and work when they really want to be loved.

Fourth, we explore how we have wounded our mates and ourselves.

Taking a Fearless Moral Inventory is critical to healing and helps us truly see and understand that hiding parts of themselves that need to brought into the light is no way to live.

“You can’t heal what you can’t feel,” is a common psychological adage. Scripture tells us to “Wash the inside of the cup, and the outside will become clean too” (Matthew 23:26). Taking care of our inner life is a great beginning to having a wonderful marriage, family and work life, not to mention our relationship with God.

Finally, we emphasize acceptance of your self and mate, especially as demonstrated by God.

We know that we can have no righteousness apart from God, but with God we receive full forgiveness and acceptance. God loves all of us, even the hidden parts we’ve been ashamed to expose. Men, and women, who are willing to do the deep work of healing, can find real freedom.

I’d like to hear from you. Have you struggled to receive constructive criticism? Would you like to be more emotionally available to hearing concerns?  Please explore more about my work and specifically my Marriage Intensives at www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com. Send comments and questions to me at drdavid@marriagerecoverycenter.com.