Dealing with Sibling Rivalry

Do you sometimes wonder if your children are the only ones who cannot even stand next to each other without a confrontation? Are you dealing with hurt feelings, stolen toys, and anger between your children on a daily basis?

You are not alone. Sibling rivalry is as old as the book of Genesis and it doesn’t stop there. Cain and Abel are the first tragic examples of sibling rivalry. When God accepted Abel’s offering over Cain’s, Cain became jealous of his brother and murdered him (Genesis 4).

Then, there is the story of Jacob and Esau as recorded in Genesis 27. When Esau discovered his brother Jacob had stolen his blessing, he plotted to kill him. Their parents’ division compounded the sibling rivalry with each siding with one child. Rebekah, knowing God chose Jacob for the inheritance, schemed with him to trick Isaac. This left Esau betrayed and angry.

Isaac and Rebekah are prime examples of what we should not be doing as parents when it comes to allowing rivalry between our children. Our first duty is to encourage each of our children to use the gifts God gave specifically to them. If one is a talented singer and another can’t hold a tune, it’s important to remind them God created us all for different purposes.

Sometimes it is easy to give attention to one child over another. If kids aren’t getting praise for their work and accomplishments, they will naturally turn to attention-seeking behavior that is sinful and wrong.

If you are noticing one child consistently causing conflict, if they are quick to fight and unable to just get along with their siblings, it may be because they are feeling left out. If your child is not able to maintain good grades like their sibling or if you’re constantly praising the accomplishments of the other sibling, this can leave them feeling very jealous.

Jealousy is a gateway to many problems and poor behavior in children. If your child can only perform on an average level in school or sports, praise them for their hard work just as much as you would praise the child who can easily achieve higher academic marks.

Do not show favoritism. Jacob favored Joseph over his other sons (Genesis 37). When Jacob gave Joseph an elaborate robe, this caused his brothers to be so jealous they could not deal with their hatred for him anymore. His brothers hated him so much that they sold him into slavery. They did this even though it was not his fault his father favored him so.

This is of course a drastic example, but one that holds true to this day. Sibling jealousy is an awful strain on a family.

Love each of your children for their individual talents and accomplishments. Encourage them to get along; never pit them against each other.

When your children are fighting and it seems as if they will forever be enemies, it may be time to sit them down and have a talk with them about their behavior toward each other.

Ways to Combat Sibling Rivalry

Focus on the positive behavior of your children more than the negative behavior. If your children are being loving, praise this behavior.

When they do fight, do not take one child’s side over the other. No matter how great the relationship is there will be fights. Just do not allow one child to feel that you defend the other more readily.

Discipline them separately. Do not allow your kids to hear you lose your temper about their sibling. Take the child who is causing the problems aside and get to the root of the problem.

Reward all of your children with love and praise. If kids are focused more on what they cannot do than what they can, they will lose sight of the gifts God gave to them.

Do not push your children to be the same. It is amazing how siblings can be so different. Embraces the differences. Do not try to make them like the same things or play the same sports.

Take time to encourage your children. Even a set time during the week for each child to have your attention to themselves is a great way to show that you have equal time and love for them.

Do not be overly concerned about minor sibling rivalry. It is really a natural dynamic in a family. Use God’s wisdom to guide your parenting in these situations.

What are some of your family’s issues with sibling rivalry? Any advice for moms and dads who constantly deal with it?