Family Matters
Most of us have had the painful experience of being rejected at one time or another in our lives. But when you are a child and that rejection is a regular experience, it creates low self-esteem and even behavior problems.
When children are left out of activities with their peers, it is painful. No one likes to be the child that isn’t picked in P.E. or the one who didn’t get invited to a birthday party. Rejection is hard on kids and also on parents.
Researchers have looked at why some kids are rejected. Here are a few of their findings. About half of rejected boys tend to be aggressive, argumentative and disruptive. Others (up to 20 percent) are shy and withdrawn or socially awkward. Their immature, sometimes awkward behavior can cause rejection, or rejection can bring out their immaturity.
For girls, rejection isn’t so much about aggression but about being bossy and negative. Girls who talk about breaking rules and don’t know how to manage conflict well also have problems.
Still others try to be funny but don’t understand the nuances of humor and can come off annoying. The poor child who tries to tell a joke and isn’t funny is often ostracized by peers.
Some kids don’t read the cues of others well enough to know when to stop talking or be less aggressive. Those kids need help recognizing the cues or signals, e.g., the person is looking or walking away. Other kids are a poor sport, may brag too much, or isolate.
So if you have a child dealing with peer rejection, think about what may be driving the rejection in terms of his/her behavior. Talk to his/her teacher and find out what he/she has observed in terms of peer interactions. The teacher could provide valuable feedback.
Once you have a handle on the cause of the rejection, you can work on teaching more socially appropriate behavior, targeting specific areas. And I have found that when a rejected child is encouraged to have one friend to call his own, it takes the sting out of needing acceptance from the group.
Finally, pray with your child and let him/her know that Jesus always calls him/her friend. With God, we are never rejected and always loved. But people do let us down and sometimes we have to work at making our relationships better. Practice the social skills that will lead to success with your child.
The Pain of Childhood Rejection
Most of us have had the painful experience of being rejected at one time or another in our lives. But when you are a child and that rejection is a regular experience, it creates low self-esteem and even behavior problems.
When children are left out of activities with their peers, it is painful. No one likes to be the child that isn’t picked in P.E. or the one who didn’t get invited to a birthday party. Rejection is hard on kids and also on parents.
Researchers have looked at why some kids are rejected. Here are a few of their findings. About half of rejected boys tend to be aggressive, argumentative and disruptive. Others (up to 20 percent) are shy and withdrawn or socially awkward. Their immature, sometimes awkward behavior can cause rejection, or rejection can bring out their immaturity.
For girls, rejection isn’t so much about aggression but about being bossy and negative. Girls who talk about breaking rules and don’t know how to manage conflict well also have problems.
Still others try to be funny but don’t understand the nuances of humor and can come off annoying. The poor child who tries to tell a joke and isn’t funny is often ostracized by peers.
Some kids don’t read the cues of others well enough to know when to stop talking or be less aggressive. Those kids need help recognizing the cues or signals, e.g., the person is looking or walking away. Other kids are a poor sport, may brag too much, or isolate.
So if you have a child dealing with peer rejection, think about what may be driving the rejection in terms of his/her behavior. Talk to his/her teacher and find out what he/she has observed in terms of peer interactions. The teacher could provide valuable feedback.
Once you have a handle on the cause of the rejection, you can work on teaching more socially appropriate behavior, targeting specific areas. And I have found that when a rejected child is encouraged to have one friend to call his own, it takes the sting out of needing acceptance from the group.
Finally, pray with your child and let him/her know that Jesus always calls him/her friend. With God, we are never rejected and always loved. But people do let us down and sometimes we have to work at making our relationships better. Practice the social skills that will lead to success with your child.
About This Blogger
Dr. Linda Mintle is a licensed therapist, author of 16 books, and an expert on family issues.